I wonder how many people feel like they're alone in the wolrd. I wonder how many people suffer from deep pain because they feel like they're being rejected by society. I wonder what drastic measures people will take to make themselves known. And I wonder what drastic measures people might take if they aren't.
Lately, I've felt alone. And not just; meh, there's not any people I really know here that I can really talk to, but like I'm rejected from society. Especially at Highschool. And sure, I've got friends, but for some reason, I haven't been able to really open myself up to anyone. Not like I used to be able to do. I know people out there love me, and I know God loves me. It's just tough sometimes to really feel like they're telling me the truth when they say things like that. At highschool, the only times I really have anyone to talk to is during lunch, and after school at musical rehearsal. I feel like people are too caught up in their lives or their friends, that they don't even realize I need someone too. But then again I feel selfish in saying this, since I haven't really been able to commit to relationships lately. I feel like a horrible friend because I can't focus on things, or I'm uninterested in certain things. And I always wonder why people I've known, or used to be good friends with in the past...why it's so hard for them to just say hi to me. Or maybe they think people say hi to me all the time?
It just feels like everything seems to be falling apart at the worst times possible. The only happiness I feel anymore is during the weekends when I'm spending time with my Lord, and that only lasts for a few days. Then it's back to the regular routine of highschool during the week, of endless hours dragging on, and feeling hurt...or rejected...because everything isn't how it used to be for me. These are just feelings that have been dragging me down, they've been keeping me from enjoying my day, enjoying my week, laughing, and carrying on potential conversations with people. So here I am, trying to let these emotions out I suppose. Now, I'm not saying any of this because I'm going to take drastic measures on myself. I know things that are bad will eventually clear up, it's just taking some time to happen.
There's lyrics by a band that I like that say: "I am often interrupted or completely ignored..." and I guess that's the best way to sum up how I'm feeling lately. I've tried talking to God, but during the week it's always hard to make that contact with Him since that's when everything seems to suck. I also know that half the stuff I'm telling myself is just devilish thought because I know that half the stuff I'm telling myself isn't anywhere close to being true. It's just hard sometimes.
Right now there's a very select few who I know I can definitely turn to in a time of need. I know I have people that I can talk to if I need to talk to someone, but I usually don't. And again, it's back to that holding myself back from people. And I'm not entirely sure why I do it, but I do.
I know, after a time, these feelings will pass. I'm getting closer every day to God and I'm able to pull myself through most of it. I'm working hard to get rid of my bad thoughts, and God is definitely answering my prayers. I just know it will take some time to get through. So for those of my friends that may be reading this, I just want to apologize for the strange way I may have been acting, or not being a complete friend to you. I will be able to again soon. It's just a process I'm learning to fight my way through, and as of late, I'm winning this battle. The Devil is going down.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Child's Play
A thought dawned upon me. Children are accepting of almost everything. They will accept happiness, love, new people, new challenges, discipline, sadness, fun, and they will accept lessons that they have learned. If a mother tells her son to NOT put his hand on the stove, because it's hot, the son, will of course, put his hand on the stove. In return, his hand will get burned and he's learned that it's wrong and it won't happen again.
I started to wonder about how willing, young children, five years of age, could be so accepting of so many things. And then I thought about how God wants us to become like children through Christ and freely give and receive God's love and the love of others. After thinking this over, I wondered why it was so difficult to teenagers and adults to do exactly that: accept people for who they are, accept challenges that come into their lives, accept things in general.
I think a huge part of this not accepting things or people, for teenagers especially, is because all of us have the tendency to judge, even when we aren't thinking about it. Maybe someone looks funny, or acts weird, maybe you've heard strange stories about someone...but why should that mean you shouldn't get to know them for yourself?
Matthew 18:3-4 and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." God wants us to be like children, children who can receive the love from Him freely and give, the same way God does, freely.
For me, this was kind of hard to grasp. I mean, we go our whole lives, trying to mature and learn all these new things so that we can 'learn to prosper' in the 'real world' that lays ahead of us. We learn to act like adults, to interact with adults, to do adult things. But, God wants us to act like children? It just...seemed kind of strange.
At church on Saturday, during worship, I got to see what God meant when He wanted us to act like children. There was a young boy, jumping around on the front of the stage, going crazy. He was yelling at the top of his lungs the love that he holds for Christ, he was dancing uncontrollably, and waving his arms all over the place. It was probably one of the most adorable things I had ever seen...and then it clicked. God doesn't want us to worry about what others think about us, He doesn't want us to judge others by the way they look or the way they might seem to act. I remember in elementary school, it didn't matter who you were, you always had friends. Now a days, it doesn't seem like that so much anymore.
God wants us to be like children. He wants us to jump up and down, wave our arms around, shout at the top of our lungs. He wants us to be able to love Him and everyone else in this world uncontrollably and without hesitancy. He wants us to freely receive and freely give to others (we learned how to share in Kindergarten, remember?). He wants us to have so much passion for Him that we can't handle it by ourselves, so we have to spread it to all the other children of God. How amazing is that?
I started to wonder about how willing, young children, five years of age, could be so accepting of so many things. And then I thought about how God wants us to become like children through Christ and freely give and receive God's love and the love of others. After thinking this over, I wondered why it was so difficult to teenagers and adults to do exactly that: accept people for who they are, accept challenges that come into their lives, accept things in general.
I think a huge part of this not accepting things or people, for teenagers especially, is because all of us have the tendency to judge, even when we aren't thinking about it. Maybe someone looks funny, or acts weird, maybe you've heard strange stories about someone...but why should that mean you shouldn't get to know them for yourself?
Matthew 18:3-4 and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." God wants us to be like children, children who can receive the love from Him freely and give, the same way God does, freely.
For me, this was kind of hard to grasp. I mean, we go our whole lives, trying to mature and learn all these new things so that we can 'learn to prosper' in the 'real world' that lays ahead of us. We learn to act like adults, to interact with adults, to do adult things. But, God wants us to act like children? It just...seemed kind of strange.
At church on Saturday, during worship, I got to see what God meant when He wanted us to act like children. There was a young boy, jumping around on the front of the stage, going crazy. He was yelling at the top of his lungs the love that he holds for Christ, he was dancing uncontrollably, and waving his arms all over the place. It was probably one of the most adorable things I had ever seen...and then it clicked. God doesn't want us to worry about what others think about us, He doesn't want us to judge others by the way they look or the way they might seem to act. I remember in elementary school, it didn't matter who you were, you always had friends. Now a days, it doesn't seem like that so much anymore.
God wants us to be like children. He wants us to jump up and down, wave our arms around, shout at the top of our lungs. He wants us to be able to love Him and everyone else in this world uncontrollably and without hesitancy. He wants us to freely receive and freely give to others (we learned how to share in Kindergarten, remember?). He wants us to have so much passion for Him that we can't handle it by ourselves, so we have to spread it to all the other children of God. How amazing is that?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The World Is Crashing Down
Have you ever had one of those days, where everything seems to be falling apart; where everything that could possibly go wrong, is going wrong?
I had one of those days, just this past weekend, actually, and I had a lot of time to think about what happened to me that day...
Looking back, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but at the time, it seemed like my whole world was crashing down on me. It sounds so silly when I explain it now, but here goes, my horrible day:
I slept in late, missing the rummage sale I was supposed to work for, losing the money I could've earned to make it to my next Mission Trip. My mom woke me up at 9:28. In two minutes, I had to be at the Highschool reviewing for AP U.S. History stuff. I got to the school, late, and was exhausted from working on Drama stuff pretty late the night before. During the review session, we took a practice multiple choice exam since the real thing is coming up in a month, and I did absolutely horrible on it. Again. So, that really freaked me out about the whole, taking a huge exam next month that could cost me college credits. I also had to go home and work on homework that I needed to do some catching up on, and on top of it all, my head hurt like no other.
Everything seemed to be tearing me down. I wasn't too happy about any of it occuring, which in turn, made me really upset throughout the day. Now don't worry, I'm getting to my point...
Later that evening, I had the choice, of whether I wanted to go to church or not. I went, but I didn't really expect anything 'good' to happen, since my whole day had sucked already; I wasn't sure if I could take anymore, but I went for it. When I first got there, my mood didn't get much better, and during worship, I definitely wasn't enthusiastic about anything...and in the atmosphere there, something just felt...off.
The pastor took the microphone and stopped the worship for a brief time and he said,"Every day, you're living a battle. I know the worship in this room is going to change in about the next 45 seconds because we're gonna pray to God that we want to reach out to Him, and that the Devil can't drag us down." And from that point on, I kinda had this...hope, I guess you could say. I thought,"You know what? He's right. The Devil has worked his way into my life right now, and I don't want to have it. This is gonna change." and it did. Some people prayed over me, and when they did, I felt pressure from my body being lifted, and I felt light and wonderful, like there was nothing dragging me down from reaching my God anymore. Someone even approached me and told me that God was waiting for me, that He was there, awaiting my return to Him.
That night, after an incredibly long, suckish day, I won my battle. It wasn't easy, but I was able to fight off all my negative thoughts of not wanting to contact God and be there to worship Him, and do exactly that: worship Him.
I had one of those days, just this past weekend, actually, and I had a lot of time to think about what happened to me that day...
Looking back, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but at the time, it seemed like my whole world was crashing down on me. It sounds so silly when I explain it now, but here goes, my horrible day:
I slept in late, missing the rummage sale I was supposed to work for, losing the money I could've earned to make it to my next Mission Trip. My mom woke me up at 9:28. In two minutes, I had to be at the Highschool reviewing for AP U.S. History stuff. I got to the school, late, and was exhausted from working on Drama stuff pretty late the night before. During the review session, we took a practice multiple choice exam since the real thing is coming up in a month, and I did absolutely horrible on it. Again. So, that really freaked me out about the whole, taking a huge exam next month that could cost me college credits. I also had to go home and work on homework that I needed to do some catching up on, and on top of it all, my head hurt like no other.
Everything seemed to be tearing me down. I wasn't too happy about any of it occuring, which in turn, made me really upset throughout the day. Now don't worry, I'm getting to my point...
Later that evening, I had the choice, of whether I wanted to go to church or not. I went, but I didn't really expect anything 'good' to happen, since my whole day had sucked already; I wasn't sure if I could take anymore, but I went for it. When I first got there, my mood didn't get much better, and during worship, I definitely wasn't enthusiastic about anything...and in the atmosphere there, something just felt...off.
The pastor took the microphone and stopped the worship for a brief time and he said,"Every day, you're living a battle. I know the worship in this room is going to change in about the next 45 seconds because we're gonna pray to God that we want to reach out to Him, and that the Devil can't drag us down." And from that point on, I kinda had this...hope, I guess you could say. I thought,"You know what? He's right. The Devil has worked his way into my life right now, and I don't want to have it. This is gonna change." and it did. Some people prayed over me, and when they did, I felt pressure from my body being lifted, and I felt light and wonderful, like there was nothing dragging me down from reaching my God anymore. Someone even approached me and told me that God was waiting for me, that He was there, awaiting my return to Him.
That night, after an incredibly long, suckish day, I won my battle. It wasn't easy, but I was able to fight off all my negative thoughts of not wanting to contact God and be there to worship Him, and do exactly that: worship Him.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Best. Dancing. Ever.
This seriously made my day. So I'm sharing it with the rest of the world. Or, whoever reads my blog at least. So, I hope it makes your day too. Nathan Barnatt has some crazy dancing skills. :)
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