New Year Resolutions

Having 2011 just around the corner seems so unrealistic. Those days filled with absolute joy, or sorrow, rejoicing, and regret, days cherished, or forgotten, and hard work to be done, seem to flash by in an instant. As the days are slipping by most of us seem to want them to go faster, but once the time comes to start fresh, we never seem to want to let go.
This year has been especially challenging for me. I've had struggles with God, school, and especially friends. I guess you could say I haven't really felt close to anyone for a really long time, and this year, that really pushed my emotions off the edge. For a long time I felt lost, confused, desperate...I didn't know which path was right for me to take anymore, and when I turned to God for help, I wouldn't get any answers. Or that's how it seemed anyways.
I haven't had a really close relationship with anyone in an extremely long time. But for the moment I've learned how to grow from it. In a way, ita a good thing because now I can take the time to think about me, and who I am. That probably sounds selfish, but it's what I've gotten out of it. In the meantime, for me, finding friends always seems to be extremely difficult. To begin with, I'm a shy person. I have a really hard time putting my foot forward first to say "Hey!" to the person sitting across the room from me that I've heard is nice. And on the other hand, I'm always really self-concious about myself. I know there's no point because most of the people I know are genuinely nice, but I can't help but feel like they take every word I say, and judge it all. And I can't help but feel like i'm an idiot for saying anything to them in the first place...but I SO desperately want to know how to take that first step forward and take that risk of getting to know people, to build up my relationships again. So one of my New Year Resolutions is to push myself over the edge, walk on water, get over that self-conciousness that I've created and start/build those relationships with people again.
This year, I was in a Wilderness with God. I was unbearably lost and it was frustrating and confusing because I was trying to turn to Him for help, and He never seemed to be there. I think this was the thing that really pulled me down, because I wasn't sure what to think during this time. I was confused from everything else, completely lost in all my troubles, and I couldn't dig my way out of it. I needed a break from everything;a break from life. I got just that, when I went on a Retreat with my Youthgroup. It pulled me away from all the troubles that were going on all around me and helped me focus on what was the most important thing to me. God. I reached Him that weekend, and it felt so relieving to know that He was still there for me; that He never actually left. And that gave me all the strength I needed to pull through the rest of the storm. There will always be times when I will wander off my trail, but God will always be there to tug me back on, because He's not giving up on me. So for another New Year's Resolution, I want to work harder at talking wrh God. I want to talk to Him about His plans for my life, and what I'm supposed to do to achieve them, because I know I can't get anywhere without Him there by my side.
I know that with this new year, I'll have mote burdens to carry, and mote challenges that I'll have to pull through, but with the experience that I've had in this year (and past years), I know that I'll be able to pull through whatever years are still to come. I will laugh, cry, hope, dream, lose, gain, trust, love, hurt, be hurt, and believe. And I know I can't do any of it alone.

Beauty

Dove Evolution

I think that video says it all...
What defines beauty? I mean, people distort it into so many different things...maybe we don't know what it actually means anymore?
Here's a dictionary reference:
–noun, plural -ties.

1.

the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

There you have it. Beauty. But I think what the world does with it today has distorted it so much that now we have to have a certain goal to what beauty should be...

I myself feel like I have to struggle with my self-beauty to keep up with the rest of the world. I feel like I'm judged if I'm not beautiful enough, or people don't see me as beautiful as them, so I just don't fit in because I'm different, or have a different beauty.

I feel like a lot of it has to do especially with clothes.

If someone doesn't have the right brand of clothes, the right 'style' of clothes, then they shouldn't, or don't fit in. Or that's the way it seems anyways. People put a label on everything and things have to be a certain way to get a certain label.

I know, I shouldn't worry about stuff like this but it crosses my mind at least twice a day. It's just something I can't help but be subconciously aware of, especially when I get that sneering glare from the girl across the room that I've never even talked to before. I mean, who are they to judge who I am by my looks?

As for myself, I don't really pay attention to what brands are 'hot' or what style of clothes are in, although I will admit that mine are a little outdated since I've had them for a number of years. But over time, I'll buy new clothes that I like to wear for myself.

Why it matters, that I'm bringing all this up, is something you might be wondering about. I just feel the need to put out there that God doesn't care for what clothes people wear, how people dress up to suit other people, or themselves. God cares for you, for you. He doesn't care what you look like, or what you act like, or how you dress. It matters to him that you love him, and everyone around you, like a neighbor and friend, whether their different or not. God finds beauty in our hearts, not our looks. And that to me, is something that could never compare with a snooty girl glaring at me from across the room because I don't 'fit in.'

Mistakes and Temptations

A black veil slips over my eyes. I take a few steps forward. I've lost all sense of direction and control. There's a weight in my chest that's fallen, making me feel sick to my stomach, making me frozen to the spot. My thoughts are spinning around my head, there's no sense of what's right and what's wrong anymore. I start to feel dizzy, nothing makes sense anymore! My legs start to shake, and I feel another weight drop into my stomach. I fall to my knees. The veil over my head seems to grow darker and darker, blinding me more and more of the reality that's supposedly surrounding me. I try to move my arm to take the veil off but something has frozen me to the spot. My head grows light and my breathing grows shallow. I wobble for a moment, trying to keep my balance, but unsure of which way is up anymore. Losing all control, my body lets go and I tumble to the floor. Blackness surrounds me. I'm no longer in control of myself, and it seems impossible to lift myself up because the weight in my stomach has spread. It's in my arms, my legs, my head, my chest, my back...


Moments pass that seem to me like days, months, years...the thought in my head still don't make any sense, they're just spinning about. I feel another wave of pressure coming over me, but something comes over me...I don't want it to take control of my life. I want to be the one in control. I don't want to be controlled, I want to be the controller. I fight to keep the pressure from making its way to my body, I'm not going to be able to take much more...and then I feel it...


I feel something so faint, that I pass it by as a trick of the mind...but  the feeling lasts....
Somebody is touching my shoulder. Somebody sees me writhing in pain, lost and confused in my thoughts, covered in the darkness surrounding me, and not able to stand on my feet...


Someone cares about me, and with this thought, I push the weights off my body, one by one...they slowly rise, and I can feel the relief seep through me, making me want to get rid of those weights even more...


The hand slowly moves down from my shoulder, where it first touched me, and gently grab my hand. My mind slowly organizes it's thoughts, and I slowly grasp the hand, asking for help. The hand raises my arm, which in turn raises me until I'm back on my knees. I take a moment, and sit, thinking about what I'm doing. I'm finally going to be free of this curse, and my thoughts are finally organized, the weights gone. I take a deep breath, and I move one foot out in front of me, hoisting myself up until I'm stand on both feet again. I feel so light I could fly...


Another few moments go by, but this time the feeling is good. They aren't passing by through my suffering, but my revival. Another touch comes to my hand, and I know right away that it's real. It grasps my hand and though I cannot see it, I can feel someone smile behind the veil that is still over me. As though right on cue, a breath of air comes flowing past me, and all the darkness around me starts to fade away into something beautiful...


Light starts to surround me once more, and I can see clearly everything around me, feeling myself again once more. It's at this point I realize that there is indeed someone standing there, holding my hands, and just before I can speak, they embrace me into a loving hug. I can't help myself, smiling with complete and utter joy. I'm at peace with myself, the curse is completely broken, and I don't have to feel anymore pain...


Just as I open my mouth to speak, the being around me starts to dissaparate, seeming to turn into little beads of water, floating gently away into nothing, and sadness takes over me, but the joy that I had remains...

Twists and Turns

::LIFE::
It's full of surprises, and a lot of times people claim they really hate it. I see life as an experience to learn everything you possibly can about yourself, about others, and about God. It's preparation for the actual life that awaits us in heaven. Without failures, successes, disappointments, praises, love, hate, worry, and peace, we wouldn't learn a thing. The process is painful sometimes but the reward in the end is well deserved; the greatest gift of all.


::FRIENDS::
What makes a friend, a friend? I've thought a whole lot about this question. It'll usually mull over my thoughts a few times a day. And I'm not really sure o know the answer to that question yet, but I hope I know it soon.
In the past I've thought of a friend who could be with you through it all, until the end. Someone who could help you when you were feeling down, someone to share all your secrets with, and to completely rely on for help with whatever problem you had. Now I'm beginning to think that friendship is meant to be so much more than just talk. Rather, it's more about an intimate bond with someone you know you could trust with your life, someone you can share your soul with, your life with...but then again, that sounds more like a lover than a friend. But isn't love friendship set on fire?


::ROMANCE::
Everyone has their fair share. Everyone wants their fair share. But what I want to know is how someone comes to realize they're in love. Does it feel like they describe it in all the fairytales? Is it really the most extraordinary thing in the world or is it just like any other relationship you've had with someone? I would hope it was different from past relationships, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with that 'special' person? But what makes you feel they're so special from any other guy or girl? How do you know you're feeling the magic?


::FAMILY::
Lots of people take family for granted. At least, most everybody I know does. There's a reason a family exists, and sure it can be overwhelming sometimes, maybe a lot of times, but believe it or not, family can really help with any problems you're having. Sometimes they're the only cure for my disasters and they can really make me feel spectacular when nothing else, or nobody else can. The greatest thing about family is that they're always there beside you (literally), which means easy access to getting help. I also know that when I can talk to my family (or friends) I can feel that connection between God and me through them.


::RELIGION::
God is a huge part of my life (obviously), but sometimes I have a hard time accepting it or being part of it how it is. I know that without God I would be left in the dark for a number of reasons. I know I can talk to him about any problems I have, and build a friendship with him that can never end, or never stop amazing me. I feel the presence of God throughout my daily life, whether it be through my teachers at school, my friends, my family, or that little bird I might hear singing somewhere up in a tree, hidden out of sight. My Youth pastor talks a lot about 'walking on water' with God. Getting up, getting out, and taking risks with my faith. And I find it extremely challenging. I have trouble even saying "Hey" to the person that might be sitting next to me, in which case I find it really challenging to express myself to people. And I think because of this, people aren't able to see me as I really am...but I want them to. So I know that when God is there, and I turn to him for help, he will never leave me hanging. He will always pull me through any rough patch that I'm going through, whether it's a petty mistake I make, or the most devastating thing in the world. He'll never let me down, because he knows I'm going somewhere.

Fight Another Day

There's a lot of things in life I don't know, or don't understand. Although I do know one thing: without God, I'm completely and utterly lost. Every day is a battle to get to the next one; whether it's a battle of rituals, a battle through friendships, hate, love, regret, rememberance, truth, or lies, every day is a battle. Through each battle, there's either a gain or a loss, a victory or a defeat. But the beautiful thing about these trials is that through each one, something is learned through it all. You learn from your mistakes, and you learn to accept who you become after each battle.
So will you be the one to pick up a sword and take on everything that comes at you with courage and bravery? Or will you be the one to pick up the shield and protect everything you believe in with hostility and pride? Going into battle is easy; it's coming out alive that's hard, and sometimes seems impossible.
Armies can also be built as the days go by. As a person you learn to rely more and more on the people around you. People like friends, and families. They stick by you during your hardest times, and your best times. And sometimes they're lost in the battle, but maybe they just need to heal, or you can gain another infantry from the crowd. God is also there to lift people up when they feel a defeat just around the corner. But the great thing about God is that he's kind of a secret weapon. He's there whenever we need him, and he's the most powerful and influential being in the world. I think that's what makes him so extraordinary from all the other weapons you could ever choose to pick up and use in battle. None of them will ever compare to, or be as affective as God can be, and I think a lot of people take that for granted...even me. And during the worst possible times I think everyone has a really hard time remembering or feeling like he's really there... But when he's revealed it's the most extraordinary thing in the world. So as each day goes on, and each battle takes place, to move on to the next battle...which weapon will you use? What will you rely on to help you gain that victory?