New Year Resolutions

Having 2011 just around the corner seems so unrealistic. Those days filled with absolute joy, or sorrow, rejoicing, and regret, days cherished, or forgotten, and hard work to be done, seem to flash by in an instant. As the days are slipping by most of us seem to want them to go faster, but once the time comes to start fresh, we never seem to want to let go.
This year has been especially challenging for me. I've had struggles with God, school, and especially friends. I guess you could say I haven't really felt close to anyone for a really long time, and this year, that really pushed my emotions off the edge. For a long time I felt lost, confused, desperate...I didn't know which path was right for me to take anymore, and when I turned to God for help, I wouldn't get any answers. Or that's how it seemed anyways.
I haven't had a really close relationship with anyone in an extremely long time. But for the moment I've learned how to grow from it. In a way, ita a good thing because now I can take the time to think about me, and who I am. That probably sounds selfish, but it's what I've gotten out of it. In the meantime, for me, finding friends always seems to be extremely difficult. To begin with, I'm a shy person. I have a really hard time putting my foot forward first to say "Hey!" to the person sitting across the room from me that I've heard is nice. And on the other hand, I'm always really self-concious about myself. I know there's no point because most of the people I know are genuinely nice, but I can't help but feel like they take every word I say, and judge it all. And I can't help but feel like i'm an idiot for saying anything to them in the first place...but I SO desperately want to know how to take that first step forward and take that risk of getting to know people, to build up my relationships again. So one of my New Year Resolutions is to push myself over the edge, walk on water, get over that self-conciousness that I've created and start/build those relationships with people again.
This year, I was in a Wilderness with God. I was unbearably lost and it was frustrating and confusing because I was trying to turn to Him for help, and He never seemed to be there. I think this was the thing that really pulled me down, because I wasn't sure what to think during this time. I was confused from everything else, completely lost in all my troubles, and I couldn't dig my way out of it. I needed a break from everything;a break from life. I got just that, when I went on a Retreat with my Youthgroup. It pulled me away from all the troubles that were going on all around me and helped me focus on what was the most important thing to me. God. I reached Him that weekend, and it felt so relieving to know that He was still there for me; that He never actually left. And that gave me all the strength I needed to pull through the rest of the storm. There will always be times when I will wander off my trail, but God will always be there to tug me back on, because He's not giving up on me. So for another New Year's Resolution, I want to work harder at talking wrh God. I want to talk to Him about His plans for my life, and what I'm supposed to do to achieve them, because I know I can't get anywhere without Him there by my side.
I know that with this new year, I'll have mote burdens to carry, and mote challenges that I'll have to pull through, but with the experience that I've had in this year (and past years), I know that I'll be able to pull through whatever years are still to come. I will laugh, cry, hope, dream, lose, gain, trust, love, hurt, be hurt, and believe. And I know I can't do any of it alone.