I just want to start off by saying the intent of this letter isn't to rebuild our friendship. I just felt that if I didn't ever say anything about this matter that I might not ever be able to forgive the whole situation and move on from it. It's starting to drag me down. I can't go a day without thinking about this whole stupid mess and all the different conflicting emotions that I can't name, because they keep colliding into confusion. No. I want to apologize. There's part of me that was so unbelievably in denial of the situation, so completely distressed, and unbelievably hurt that that part of me, didn't want to fix anything. However, the other part of me feels miserable that it let such a good friendship down, when maybe I should have stayed strong throughout the situation and fought through the pain and distrust that I built towards you to heal the problem. But it was a losing battle for that side. I didn't want to fight, because I didn't care that I was hurt. I didn't care that I was hurting you. So I'm sorry for not standing up and taking control. I wanted you to feel the trust you had in me die like I felt for you. I wanted you to feel the same pain that I felt. I didn't want to be the only one that suffered.
I realize now it was completely and utterly selfish. And I didn't even grasp the reality of it until just recently. So I apologize. And I forgive you for telling me sorry so many times...but it doesn't mean I can just build that relationship with you again that we once had. It would be utterly impossible; because of the fact that I feel I can't freely give you my trust like I once could. It was bad enough that you would turn on me, but to lie behind my back for who knows how long, acting like a complete and total hypocrite...I will never forget. So I'm also sorry things turned out the way they did. And I'm not saying it's your fault. I have blame for it too because I didn't have the courage to end what you did. And I thank you for that.
Romans 12:9
ReplyDeleteDon't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.
12:21
Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Sometimes the best way we can love someone is by letting them go. And it's so honorable to see yourself this way. That you may have been selfish, that you may have been angry, and you may have been upset.
LIVE the grace we are given by God. James chapter 1 says to be slow to speak and slow to get angry, for human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
If we live as God asks, then we will be blessed beyond measure or even comprehension. Friendships will flourish and Love happens. God is love. God will happen.
Letting go isn't always a goodbye. It's simply forgiving yourself and forgiving them. For asking God's forgiveness for yourself and them. A phase where we recognize the hurt and we recognize that it's wrong. Letting go isn't always goodbye, but sometimes its the best way we can love someone. God blesses us for Loving in ways we can't quite imagine.
(I'm going through the same thing right now... all I can do is pray that God grants me the wisdom and courage to say what needs to be said and the strength to let go)
:) That helped. A lot. It's a working process and I've been doing so much better after posting this. I just needed a way to get it out of my system without holding back any of my thoughts about it. I wanted to get it out, to be able to move on from it...
ReplyDeleteI've given it up to God and I'm in the healing process...but it's taking some time...and it's definitely not easy...but I'm getting stronger. :)
And on top of this, my prayers are being answered...for new friends that I can go to when I'm in trouble or need...and it's really...refreshing. And it's really good to know there are people that I've found that are so closely related to God, that I can put my trust into.